An Email From India
Oct 26th - Oct 29th 2006

In which Julien waits a week for a train, engages a Tamil Tiger in competition and has a spooky encounter with three chickens (or could it be the same one three times?)

It is with great sorrow that I hear of the paucity of monkeys - you're obviously wearing the wrong trousers (Grommit! - isn't it great to receive such cultural references while in a different continent?)

Still waiting to see these pictures - you could try opening an account at http://www.flickr.com if you haven't done so already.

Otherwise, mail me the film and/or memory card - or you might be able to get it burned onto cd somewhere.

So where you now then? Did the festival of lights light up your life?

I've always had this thing about place names, go places that sound most interesting or "singular" (a a much under-used word). Go off the beaten track - you'll have the best times.

It's rained an awful lot here, been collecting it for you. Halloween soon, do you plan on carving any pumpkins?

Bought a device a few days ago to electrocute rats, but disappointingly have not managed to get any yet - maybe they're not so keen on peanut butter as the instruction booklet says.

Made a light today out of granddad's oak, old scientific glassware and some fairy lights. See it as a belated tribute to Diwali.

Got to go, other stuff to do

Pa

Salaam aleikum,

All is well here in God's own country. Tried to download my pictures with this email, but it seems there's a minor technical problem that I'm told can be remedied.

Still in Palolem at the moment. The trains to Hampi only run twice a week, so we have to wait till Wednesday for our next adventure.

Played volleyball with some Sikhs today. Discussed the tumultuous reign of Shah Jihan and the Sikh rebellion. Delightful fellows, but the daggers poking out of their swimming trunks proved a little disconcerting. Also managed to get myself ejected from the Goan Grand Continental hotel for attempting to swim to the bikini bar in only a pair of briefs (Towel? For Christ's sake man I'm not even wet. Get me a gin and tonic"). Naturally the alias and room number I assumed (Cornelius Jakob/2030) proved ineffective and bucking and kicking did little to remedy the situation. Nonetheless I shall persevere. The son of the Viceroy's old sparring partner will not be treated with such discourtesy.

Been meeting several people of ineffectual note to date. Pleasant enough, but rather tiresome after a sustained period. Regrettably these include our neighbours, who insist on joining us for elevenses while regaling us with their torrid, and somewhat unholy "travel stories". I've also met a real, no foolin' Tamil Tiger. He's got three bullet wounds in his chest and a scar running across his throat. I played volleyball with him too. He was shit.

The motorbikes have proved a delightful distraction. The countryside here is truly amazing and the freedom to get away from it all is worth its weight in saffron. So far no fatalities, although I nearly hit (another) heard of cows. On three consecutive days running I swear the same chicken crossed my path. I've consulted my horoscope about this and there is no mention of such an occurrence. As my spiritual advisor I would appreciate any interpretation of such a profound omen.

I'm leaving Goa soon, so I'm going to start looking at some voluntary work in Karnataka or possibly Kerela. I've a feeling that the adventure is really about to start. Much fun as we're having I hope to be able to relay more exhilarating adventures.

How's the rat lazer working out? I must confess to being a little inspired. The monkeys may be noticeable by their absence, but the pigs are really running the show. I trust Niall's Halloween preparations are well underway? Many thanks for the Diwali lamp. I have some rather remarkable pictures of the first day of the festival. My fingers, however, are now wearying, so I shall endeavour to update you in my next telegram.

Yours in Christ,

M. Humbuckle.

Greetings oh one of the magnificently solid stools,

It was with great joy that I read of your victory over the rubbish Tamil Tiger, gunshot and neck wounds - James Bond never had those - suppose they have to take who they can get. I shall dine out on the tale for a week.

The last time I played volleyball I had to clear elephant seals off the court first - er.. no actually I've played it since then, I remember jumping up and doing my back in on landing - try to land in a forward crouch, it may be less dignified, but doesn't hurt so much.

I made the British Hindu community aware of your presence in India today and more importantly the True Purpose of your visit (emailed Radha). Expecting celebrations outside the Indian Embassy tomorrow - I'll keep you posted. How are the Sepoys coming on? You should be past the drill stage and getting close to live ammunition now (remember, only one round at a time until they have earned your trust).

Sorry to hear about the mix up at the hotel, I can only assume you dressed to the right and not the left, the manager's a member of the same Masonic clan as the old Viceroy and he can spot an impostor a mile off (depending on the fit of his trousers of course).

"On three consecutive days running I swear the same chicken crossed my path." 

Truly this is auspicious! The chicken is none other than the earthly manifestation of Garuda! here. At speed on a motor bike by those devoid of a Panama hat (so said Hanuman) Garuda may be easily mistaken for a chicken.

This means that the moment is nigh. You should buy a cricket bat with utmost haste and announce to Ed at last the purpose of your visit, sling to one side (in a dramatic manner) the bandoleer (he may be temporarily concerned (or relieved)). But calm his fears by promising him riches beyond that that can fit in a cornflakes box (NOT beyond measure - I at least can measure an awful lot and shake a stick at plenty more).

In the awkward minutes that follow I suggest you pace purposefully about less he expects more wisdom. Await the next sign with patience and caution.

Rat laser - laser schmaser! Bought a mouse killer a couple of months ago and the resident obliged by throwing himself into the device in a trice and has never been replaced.

I've moved the rat killer around several times and nary a one has entered it. Although.... I do hear them squeaking outside late at
night (drives Shaolin barmy) and I suspect they are using it to play chicken - I SWEAR I can hear rat laughter when one of them gets non-fatally zapped and lets out a little dribble of wee. Shaolin of course remains as excited and ineffectually slow as ever.

Niall shocked me yesterday when I asked what his costume was going to be and replied with "not sure if I'm going trick-or-treating or not". I hope you and Ed are successful going around with an old bed-sheet over each of you.

Might put these emails up on a website somewhere travel-to-India-and-have-bizarre-conversations-with-a-parent.com

Sounds like chapter 1 is over - roll on chapter 2.

Pa

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